I remember my desires for married life could always be narrowed down to three things, one, I wanted to be doted on. I wanted someone to be all mine and love me despite knowing everything about me. Two, I wanted to be satisfied and fulfilled sexually, and fulfill my spouse sexually. Thirdly, I wanted nothing more than to be on an adventure that was designed perfectly for us and was worthy of looking up to, like so many of the older ladies in my life were (and still sre) when I was single.
You want to know something funny? I can say that I am completely fulfilled in my life, marriage, and myself. But what I can’t honestly say that my man has fulfilled those things for me. When we first got married, I was really insecure and on egg shells with myself, always making sure I wasn’t going to mess anything up. As I look back, I realize that I was looking for my husband to satisfy me, by his affirmation and praise of what I did. I would let myself get so miserable with myself because I didn’t feel like I was doing good enough. Even with all the doting that he lavishes on me, I was never meant to be fulfill in man.
As I was falling asleep last night, I was digesting to myself, though I realized I was in God’s presence, I wasn’t really talking to directly to Him. And the Spirit’s tapping finally got at my cracking heart. I burst into tears because I realized that God has been satisfying me so greatly in the last few weeks. My heart could only speak gratitude.
You see, my Lovee started a new job and he works ten hours a day and has a lot of overtime. It’s honestly one of the best arrangements for his work for us so far. He misses me like crazy all day and I’ve had to let go of my control of time with him, but the time spent together is so sweet and magical. I have so much time to digest and digress with the Lord, that by the time Lovee gets home, I’m so covered in grace that I can’t help but serve him and smile.
So marriage is different because it’s so much better than I pictured it. It’s a team of Christ-seeking people pushing towards their goal in Him, while being the vessels of desire and satisfaction to one another. Sometimes, Zac’s the reason I can see the Lord and, sometimes, he’s the reason I need to. There’s no line between where my love for the Lord and my service to Zac splits.
Nothing is separate. Intimacy with my Lord is the reason I can be intimate with my husband and intimacy with my husband only brings praise for the great gift of partnership and community that God graciously doted on us.
My advice to you, dear reader, is to hold out until after that wonderful wedding day to embrace this intimacy. Sexually yes, but also emotionally and spiritually.