Now, for those of you who know us, you might guess that this pregnancy was unplanned. Well, it totally was. By us, that is.
While we dreamt of traveling and missions work with no ties for a few more years, apparently God had different plans. I now hold a tiny little life inside of me.
I’m begging to ask this simple question to every mom I know, “Were you terrified too!?” I’ll admit, it took me a few days after finding out to be genuinely excited about the prospect of a child. My dreams never entertained the idea of being a young mom. But here I am, married, pregnant, and still young.
They say you fall in love when you first feel him or her kick, im so looking forward to that, because I’m sad to say I feel little connection with him or her other than the gnawing fear of the responsibility of another life in my hands. That fear could overtake me like a tidal wave if I let it.
Motherhood is difficult from the beginning, I’m learning. Just a few weeks after conception, I felt the weight of fatigue drop on me like a boulder. On the very first day of the second month I experienced the worst nausea I’ve ever felt in my life and the cloud hasn’t lifted since that day.
I feel guilt over my weakness, even though Zac doesn’t hint in the slightest that he’s imposed upon. He takes the upmost care of me, always making sure I have what I need and asking me how I am. And taking on the bulk of the chores AND working fll time. And when I say bulk, I’m referring to the ever growing Mount Washmore that lives in our bedroom.
I pray that our baby is healthy. I pray that the delivery will be smooth and easy (using that term lightly) and I pray that insurance and money stuff would work out, hopefully leaving us debt free. But everything is uncertain.
I try to understand how God could create life in me, but my mind can’t wrap around it and my fear only causes me to bow as low as I can before God’s feet. My heart aches at the ways I might hurt my child and the fears I might create in him or her.
At church yesterday I cried. My heart was too full of fear and joy and frustration and dealing with being utterly overwhelmed with this whole thing that I couldn’t think straight enough to even know exactly why I was crying.
One thing I do know is that it was God’s idea to get us pregnant and God’s ideas are sovereign. Even though this is difficult, even though I just threw up the little bread I managed to stuff down this morning, even though I tossed and turned until my muscles ached last night, and even though my house is a disaster, I hold onto the fact that God’s overwhelming and steadfast love for me, my husband, and my child will sustain us through it all.
Prayers are appreciated always.
An aching tummy,